have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
