my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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