dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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