the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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