Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize