and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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