my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize