woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize