he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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