I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize