I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
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