I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
