Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
