sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
