i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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