I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
