You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
