Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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