ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The struggles of a small town man whore
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
