So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I could make wine with my vomit
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
