New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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