i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
