it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We need a shit load of segways right now
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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