I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
