Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
