So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
