Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize