I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
