Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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