Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
