Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
