So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
