Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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