Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
