he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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