My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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