I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
