He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize