I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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