mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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