Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
