Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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