i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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