Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
