i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize