I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
