Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
And then the night went full on bisexual.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize