i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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