I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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