Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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