Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
