She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
