So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
