I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
