oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
