I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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