I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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