how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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