the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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