Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
