I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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