I think I died a long time ago.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
