We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
