if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
