I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
