I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
