So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
