I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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